It is something of a rare inclination in my mind or heart that leads me to post on this blog, but it typically happens when out of the stew of my daily reflections emerges something that has some measure of definition or completion to it. Thus, sensing that what I have just transcribed from my journal below is a landmark expression of what's happening in my heart at this pivotal time in my life, I set it here among other such writings in recent years.
6/26/2012 -- Finland. Erkki's house, 10:09 PM.
Interesting day. Slept in, breakfast w/ Erkki, prayed & spoke much. He wanted to pray and did, I kept largely quiet til he suggested I say something aloud. As I began to pull up what was in my heart, the passion reached my eyes before my mouth and tears came before words. I fought for control and pushed the words out that I could.
My confusion is deep, my trials are many, my assurance is thin, my vision is short, my affliction is great -- but life is neither centered around nor dependent upon me. My heart's desire is to glorify Your name, and I know you are able and willing to do that in me. I know that despite my lostness and inadequacy and hurts and helplessness and weakness, you will glorify yourself in me, in my life. So I wait. I put to death over and again the Taylor that longs to worry, to seek his own, to get answers quickly, to have meaning and significance and understanding. I put these to death that God might enjoy supremacy in my heart -- that He become supreme over even my desire to live a worthy, meaningful life.
Establishing my significance is not the goal; exalting God's is. Thus if I am confident in God's intent and ability to uplift His significance in me, then my significance in Him is no longer a relevant worry or pursuit. I don't need to know that you'll use me; I need only to know that your purposes will be accomplished in me. This is my satisfaction and joy and delight and thrill -- that Your glory be praised to the fullest extent possible in my life.
I need no accolades from among men on earth nor angels in heaven; nor must I have the personal satisfaction of having myself built some great monument in your honor. I need only to know that my kernel was indeed planted for your sovereign purposes and your supreme glory.
Indeed, You have no need that men should serve you or your purposes; but that I might find rest for my weary soul, it is my need to exalt your worth to its due place in my heart. There do I find contentment, and in this contentment I must fight to remain, for it is only from that position that my truest and deepest and most worthy worship comes forth.
So I pray, God, vanquish the enemies of Your supreme reign over my heart's affections; preserve my heart for Yourself, that I might honor you fully! This is my deepest desire, the one You gave me -- the living, breathing reality of my salvation. Now teach me only to live from this position, to exalt Your worth in my heart and before all men, that I might truly be to the praise of Your glory. May my life be a strong, sweet fragrance to those who are being saved; may it be a loud song of praise to Your name among the nations! May You draw all men -- these precious ones across Europe, and those in Louisiana, and those in Brazil and India and Panama and Cambodia and Honduras and Singapore and Bhutan and Haiti and Myannmar and Niger -- O draw all of them to Yourself as you are lifted up in me and in your saints! O that the nations praise you and be glad in you, matchless God of glory!
